BOXING -07/11/2009
The rules of trash-talk
"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defence is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"
Boxing is no longer the Sport of Kings. It is now the Sport of Blings - and if you don't speak the lingo, you're going to get left behind. Left behind like a bum.
Pre-fight smack-talk has become an obligatory feature in these days of ten-city 'press conference tours,' hype and tension building at an exponential rate until the fighters' disliking for each other quickly turns from publicity phoney to genuine I-want-to-rip-your-head-off-and-spit-down-your-throat hatred.
There is no doubt: employed properly, smack-talk can become a potent psychological weapon, a pre-emptive and unsettling low-blow fired off long before the first bell rings.
But in the wrong hands, it just sounds lame. There is a fine line to tread through this cuss-littered minefield.
So, the next time a fighter starts beating his chops, make sure you know what's going down with Eurosport.Yahoo.com's Six Golden Rules of Smack-Talk...
1. Family is fine: Apart from race or sexuality, there is no topic that should be considered off limits. Some people think families should be out of bounds, especially mothers. Those people are chumps. Believe me, yo momma is fair-game - and that's exactly what it says on the toilet wall...
Example: Joe Frazier: "What've you been up to?" Ken Norton: "My wife just had a baby." Frazier: "Congratulations! Whose baby is it?"
2. They've ALL got it comin': Why limit your range by restricting your trash-talking to just your opponent? The whole freakin' world is against you, so let rip, brother, let rip! Reporters, promoters, referees, your opponent's homies - spray them all with your smokin' verbal volleys. Those punks all deserve it.
Example: Reporter: "How is your conditioning?" James Toney: "**** you!" Second reporter: "Who are you sparring with and how is it going?" Toney: "Keep asking stupid questions, it'll be you. Now **** off!"
3. Physical threats are expected: You're a boxer; it is your job to inflict physical pain. People aren't going to be shocked if before the fight you scream with foaming mouth about wanting to rip your opponent's head off. Far from it, my friend; the more vicious and sadistic your abuse, the better.
Example: Trainer Roger Mayweather: "When Hatton knocks at that door, somebody's going to answer that door with a baseball bat, beat him across his ******* head."
4. Stay in your comfort zone: Boxers aren't the smartest breed; you only have to watch Rocky to see that. But they should not be judged for their cultural ignorance: you try running head-first in to a brick wall for a decade and see how many F.Scott Fitzgerald books you can name. That's why trash-talk should be kept simple - for there is nothing more cringe-worthy than a boxer drawn outside his comfort zone...
Example: "Two ton" Tony Galento, one-time heavyweight contender, when asked if he knew who Shakespeare was: "I ain't never heard of him. I suppose he's one of them foreign heavyweights. They're all lousy. Sure as hell, I'll moider de bum."
5. Highlight physical abnormalities: The strong have picked on the weak since time began; feel proud that you are continuing that legacy. Show no mercy. Never forget that mocking the afflicted is FUNNY. If it wasn't then why did they make so many series of You've Been Framed? Like a Rottweiler ravaging a terrified puppy, locate the jugular, pounce - and don't stop shaking until all signs of life have been extinguished...
Example: Tyson to Razor Ruddock: "You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips of yours. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."
6. Never lose your cool: At one point or another, every boxer has been called a "be-atch" by his opponent. The point of trash-talking is to try to get you real mad - show your class and don't indulge. Because when your opponent gets in your face and says he wants to eat your children, he doesn't really mean it. And if he does, good luck - it's gonna take more than a bit of trash-talk to get out of this one.
Example: Muhammad Ali, to American Journalist Howard Cosell: "'I'm gonna whoop him, Howard. You just watch!" Cosell: "You're feeling very truculent today, Muhammad." Ali: "Truculent? If that's good, I'm it!"
Top five Haye quotes in the lead-up to the Valuev bout
1. "He is the ugliest human being I’ve ever seen in the flesh. I’ve seen ugly guys before in movies, but that’s probably the prosthetics. But I’m talking about, physically with no make-up. He’s the ugliest human being on Earth. He makes the Elephant Man look like Pamela Anderson. I have watched Lord of the Rings and films with strange looking people but for a human being to look like he does is pretty shocking.”
2. "Valuev’s known as 'The Beast from the East’ and there’s a reason he’s got that nickname. He’s a big, ugly, sweaty and hairy man from the Eastern bloc.”
3. "The size I am, I sort of come up to his chest and apparently the word around the campfire is that he doesn't smell too sweet. I've talked to a few guys that have been in the ring with him and they say that's the first thing they notice, just the stench. Hopefully he runs a cold tap over himself or someone hoses him down outside before he comes in."
4. "All you've got to do is look at a picture of the guy and that speaks volumes. I consider him more of a circus show freak that happens to be boxing. He's an ugly type of fighter, he tries to lean on you, tries to brawl and comes out with a really hairy chest that gets matted and is disgusting. I've never been a big fan of the matted hair in my face."
5. "I would love to bring a lawnmower into the ring with me before I fight this guy. Everyone goes on about his size but have you seen how hairy this guy is? I would suggest a wax job but that would take too long. A lawnmower is the only practical solution. You know what I mean?"
Best of the rest - actually, just the best of Tyson
"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."
"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."
"All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."
"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."
"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin [his wife]. When we got to the gorilla cage there was one big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox. He declined."